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Firefox Vs. IE

I’m totally a Firefox lover even if it does slow down my laptop on account of being more memory-intensive than InternetExplorer. It has a better interface, is more user-friendly, has cool add-on gimicky things AND if you wanna type a URL which starts ”http://” it prefixes it for you! Unlike IE.

On that note, if you’re not really into shortcuts, apart from the fairly obvious Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V etc for ‘Copy’ and ‘Paste’, when you’re in your browser and want to go to a website enclosed by the common “www—-.com” try just typing the word/phrase and then hitting Ctrl+Enter….

It inserts it for you!
Eg. hotmail Ctrl+Enter -> site appears!
Facebook Ctrl+Enter -> site appears!
Works in any browser - tis Genius, of a kind.

The impetus for this post was on learning that IE was messing up my blog html code… inserting stupid linebreaks and html talk I fail to understand. I’ve tried to fix it, but it may still be doing so.

What’s your browser-of-choice?  Or are you so utterly ungeeky that you really don’t care?… By which i mean really don’t care, as opposed to care but think you’re too cool to answer such questions.

I could go onto a Thunderbird Vs. Outlook debate, but firstly I’ve never used Thunderbird, and secondly, I doubt many people reading this really care…
Unless they are Techies [ComputerScience students] *cough* Ninja *cough*

and my sneaky twin who may be forced to make comment… Who chooses a degree where you take a course entitled Computational Complexity? - “What’ve you got Fridays?” - “oh, Complexity…”

FUNTIMES. x

ETA: Baseless Optimism tells me I have the cool. Thus my geekness is negated.

Epistle to Dr. Zeus

Seeing as I’ve published a poem-a-day for the past two days, thought I’d keep the trend alive for a third-time-lucky sorta scenario.

I composed this in first year, 2 years ago now!!! Submitted it as my main Creative Writing piece, but I still rather love it, if you’d forgive my boldness in saying so. Unfamiliar with the Demeter/Persephone myth? Here’s the wikipedia’d take. Any opinions or criticism would be most welcome!

Epistle to Dr. Zeus

I

Dear Doctor, I write in firm truth’s pursuit,
Before this fraud develops to lawsuit.
Defendants such as this you’d wish to save,
From matters of distress - it’d prove too grave
A verdict, both for your career and mine,
For without grapes, who could produce the wine?

So here I now come to attest one truth,
I pray you will not find it too uncouth.
That scent of sandalwood, those bloodstained lips,
In Love, mere mortals’ sights are thus eclipsed.

So long was she this sheltered and protected,
By her dear mother, who never neglected,
To keep their humble council home abound,
With jasmine, sage - sweet roses did surround,
To keep her hidden from the gaze of those,
Who gathered when her silver scent arose.

But she, fair rebel, clad in combat boots,
Dark eyeliner, and hair with aqua roots.
Would often roam with her archaic smile,
Plastered into the depths of dark denial.
And with her nymph’an friends she would descend,
Into that neon mass she’d try to blend.

Her angsty, drugged-out gaze was not enough -
Rough? Yes. But now to prove that she was tough.
A powdered line a razorblade can draw,
Dear Doctor, now you spy the fatal flaw!
A lesson from Kate Moss was the new drill,
Who knew that good looks - minus brains - could kill?

Most certain, our heroine was naïve!
Her heart, so prominent, on her white sleeve.
Though her life was not taken, truth be told,
The symptoms did all seem to fit the mould.
Still, in that throbbing, palpitating sight,
She’d come to shine: a pure and wholesome light.

That even Darkness could not keep away
And like a moth was drawn from black of day,
And plucked this cosmic flower from their midst,
Enveloped her in his black cloak and kissed,
Her tiny, trembling mouth so limply wrought,
Intoxicated thus, her breath was caught.

An arrow drawn from Cupid’s own quiver,
Redundant now, but made the two shiver.
And leaning deeper, hungry in their lust,
Neither suspected that they could combust.
Though weariness shapes wariness as one,
The taking of one path can’t be undone.

He led her down a pretty primrose path,
And further down - “heed not the aftermath.”
He whispered it as delicate refrain;
An act that proved deliciously inane.
For when he tried to garner a response,
He found she was the queen of nonchalance.

II

He took her to a dingy little room,
As dark as night, as serene as the moon.
And here he lavished her with tales of woe,
Of how he was a misunderstood foe.
And whilst she helped herself to scones and tea,
He told her, through his tears that flowed so free:

“It is not folly, nor capricious wit,
Which tether me, so ready to admit -
But merely love, and love that is so real.
I find you too audacious to conceal,
My true intentions, which may come as shock,
A marriage ring shall bind the marriage lock.”

She stamped and stomped and screamed to be released,
But would not leave before enjoying a feast;
A pomegranate seed, a cake or two…
Between the feasting, showed him her tattoo.
It would not take a gen‘ius to construe,
That gluttony was here seen sharp and new.

Meanwhile her mother grew hysterical,
And knocked from door to door, numerical
And ordered in her search to discover,
Where her daughter was held under cover.
The wheat did come to weep, I must confess
And with her all the land lay in distress.

With lands so sad, she sought to search the seas,
All seven of them, yet did not find ease.
The Oracle at Delphi gave no clue
“Some clairvoyant! Some soothsayer! Some fool!”
She cursed under her raw, grief-stricken breath.
This trying journey seemed to signal death.

Never did forever mean so much,
As when a restless mother could not clutch
And embrace in her arms her tender child.
Wonder when she evolved to something wild?

Desperation never took such life,
As now it did, so multiplied by strife.
She looked up at last to the stormy skies,
Berated herself for all those white lies,
And found herself addressing the heavens,
The clouds that lay in layers, steep sevens.

“Helios!” She called obsequiously,
“Bright sun, what is there that you do not see?
My daughter is vanished, where were you then:
On the night of the Twenty-First, at 4pm?”
The mother now looked certainly relieved,
For alibis, so quick, are not conceived.

III

She soon exposed a dingy little room,
Where sunlight fought through perpetual gloom.
The withered leaves, the petals were now dead,
And poor Demeter felt that her heart bled.
And in this land, dear Hades did reside,
Now Persephone suffered from divide.

And here I now come to attest the truth
Before this fraud develops to lawsuit.
That scent of sandalwood, those bloodstained lips,
In Love, mere mortals’ sights are thus eclipsed.

A shattered fist, an undulating sigh.
A cry of mercy and a broken eye,
Will come to pass if something isn’t done.
I ask you now, dear sir, to draw your gun.

How now to deal with those who tempted fate?
How now to chastise and how to berate?
How to, both mother and lover, sedate?
The question: How to settle this debate?

Though I have reviewed all the evidence,
I cannot see who’s worth deliverance.
This case does leave me poor and none the wiser,
I call upon you now, oh great advisor.

So was she altogether free of sin?
Does beauty have a blackened soul within?

x

Copernicus

tenderised knife edge of a star

castrating pentagrams

smoking helium in an enclosed sphere

buoyant

concentric, thought closer

dripping silver mountain water on

the river never meets the now shattered black sea

as the cuspate star severs paradigm paralysis

Illusions

 

ﺩﺷﺖ ﺗﻨﮩﺎﺋﯽ ﻣﻴﮟ، ﺍﮮ ﺟﺎﻥ ﺟﮩﺎﻥ ﻟﺮﺯﺍﮞ ﮨﻴﮟ

ﺗﻴﺮﯼ ﺁﻭﺍﺯ ﻛﮯ ﺳﺎﻳﮯ۔ ﺗﺮﮮ ﮨﻮﻧﻄﻮﮞ ﻛﮯ ﺳﺮﺍﺏ 

“In the wasteland of solitude, my love, quiver

shadows of your voice, illusions of your lips.” - Faiz Ahmed Faiz 1

 

Illusions

Hope, as it echoes, smokes eternity
Like a ripe volcano. A cascade of
Pyroclastic inhibition - Speed is
Beauty - Falling like a chiffon curtain

Veil. Where two lovers are indistinct but
United at dusk; where my answers are:
Reflectionless desire. Impressive
Versatility; I smoke it behind

A mask - Venetian in design. 
I smoke hope cigarettes with speed, calming
Ripened nerves to ropes in a graveyard where
Lovers are united in smoke curls.

 

The Collage

Coloured translucent, beyond the crinkly

yellow of the sweet-wrapper he’s just unwrapped
penny toffee, a disc now being spun

‘cross the horizon you see it glow, grow
sticky in his fingers - he’d liked Quality Streets

or was it Roses - you can’t remember
this one was always particularly sweet to the touch

and still dividing loyalties, as the disc spins
on the desk

you wait for it to land but he keeps flicking his nail at the edge
as though it were a coin, or a die

unwilling to decide one way or other, preferring
nothing to the silence from a twin you chose

Instead, the hazy way he looks as you hold tracing paper up to the light

x

I HATE penny sweets… not sure why I just wrote a poem on the subject. Anything to avoid the imminent inevitability of essaying I suppose.

A Question of Opinion

Ok, just cos i need to know some idea of general consenus, a moment of your time please..

Is Mariah Carey, in the colloquial usage of the word, “FIT”??? cos my answer is a resounding NO. And yet people constantly disagree with me… plz girls and boys, take a second to answer this question… Mariah Carey, hot or not? I refuse to post a pic on my blog so google-image if you don’t know or can’t remember what she looks like. x

A Rose in my Arsenal

Watching the football, Arsenal Vs. Reading… I say watching but that’s hardly what I’m doing, others are watching, I’m - if you’re optimistic - essaying.

It strikes me, nonetheless, just how much words can develop new meanings, so much so that the original is obscured. Often this is because they are adopted as proper nouns - names for things which become so prolific that usage in the traditional context is next to nothing by comparison.

Take Arsenal, for example, how many little kids running around in their Arsenal kit and scarves and whatever other paraphernalia, must take ‘arsenal’ simply as the name of their favourite football team, rather than a word meaning a supply of weapons or munitions.

In fact, how many of us Britons hear the word “arsenal” and think football before we think of weapon stock, not for lack of an extensive vocabulary.

We’ve probably all noticed this and I’m not really saying anything particularly new but it’s still sortof interesting…no?

And if not, apparently Arsenal are my team?! so at least I’m winning… Go gunners! x

The Apprentice

Why did Simon get fired? He’s the only one who was playing the game straight.

My housemates and I are saddened.

A few things I’m liking at present…

Album: Brain Thrust Mastery - We Are Scientists

Fiction: The Body Artist - Don DeLillo

Short Story: ‘Other People’ from Fragile Things - Neil Gaiman

Non-fiction: The Culture of Time and Space - Stephen Kern

Fashion: I don’t wear the Hijab myself, but I still prefer to dress modestly… how fabulous is this?? With their rather charming tagline, Discover the Beauty of Modesty

 

… I think such fashion has great empowering potential. x

<!–[if !supportEmptyParas]–> <!–[endif]–>

A Few NEWish Songs:

Slightly - A lot older:

Particularly cool videos:

  • This DUDE rapping - read the lyrics alongside it, my brother sent me the link. CRAZY SHIT! His remixes like this of Justin Timberlake’s My Love are also pretty damn SICk. “Keep it locked!” x

Je me suis inventé un amour pantomime

I went to Paris this weekend with piesecki and whatthebananas to holiday with like_a_rosie who has been teaching the terrified French kids In Vitré how to speak English as part of her YrAbroad.

I’d never been to France before in my life, shocking I know.

The song of the trip: Les Voisines by Renan Luc.

Much food - to be precise, cakes and pastries, were consumed. Patisserie Galore!
Pistachio Maccarroons are love.

Whatthebananas tried Escargots.

I wore a Beret. We’d planned this beforehand - a mass beret-wearing experience - we would sit in Parisian Cafés looking intellectual and arty. Being a Liberal Arts student, but accompanied by 2Engineers and a FrenchGeographist , I felt the need to welcome them into the cult of lazyness. It was FAIL. They thought ‘The Plan’ was a joke. A JOKE!?!

I adamantly wore my Beret without them. BAH!

Did you know Fridays are national ROLLERBLADING day in France?? There were some dudes showing their madskillz outside the Notre Dame.

There was some drunk guy babbling French at us near the Eiffel Tower, more to the point how he could tell I was Pakistani is still something of a scary mystery. like_a_rosie pushing the guy away and yelling “Non!” repeatedly was amusement enough.

I also crashed into a nun at the Basicila de Sacre-Coeur on MontMartre. Piesecki assures me it was her who crashed into me. Still, it was the icing on the proverbial gateau.

So from Paris, with love …

from paris with love x

We fly balloons on this fuel called Love

Fragmentary Flux

There are times when the monotonous suddenly breaks, like a delicate tearing, uneven. We fall through the fabric of malleability.

What Woolf called a ‘moment of being’, what Wordsworth knew as ’spots of time’ where you see extra, more than vivid. Recognising positive negative space. The intensity of this moment seems more than reality, brighter and more dense than regular life.

I am orbiting the essence of life, rather than living it. The only thing that seems to cut through us is time.

Vladimir Kush - ‘Metamorphosis’

We flew balloons on a fuel called Love. And so with velocity, the time derivative of distance, we caught Beauty as it moved.

 

Whispering beneath the surfaces of things- I wanted to crawl between those movements, neither forwards nor backwards and how, now, to negotiate this fervent struggle? This frozen clocktime of a broken watch x

Title is from Foals’ track “Balloons

Fitting Out -> Fitting In (pt. 2)

Part 1 brought us to the concept of a sheep saying moo…so this blogpost will unravel the idea of fitting out in order to, in fact, fit in with the crowd, and see where this leaves us.

Having established that we actively wish to perpetuate our individuality and sense of self as unique, we next come to the ways in which we go about distinguishing ourselves. These can sometimes be, rather ironically, ways in which we end up identifying with others - our methods of fitting out help us to fit in.

Firstly, we single out things that we feel make us special. Our taste in music - the more obscure the better - similarly, our preference in film, in literature, our interests, we dress a certain way…

In a bid of self-indulgence, I’ll reveal to you, avid reader, that I’m massively guilty in attempting to achieve superior fashion uniqueness. Friends have told me I have a “weird but good” dress sense. (Doesn’t everyone enjoy the ambiguous compliment?) I’m aware I make an effort to appear different in the way I dress. I’m a fan of aesthetics. I enjoy beautiful clothes, I relish wearing them. I pick out clothes that are edgier, crazier, customise them even - these were plain before I attacked them…

I have fun browsing fashion blogs like thesartorialist and am conscious of the fact that my “individual” fashion sense is greatly influenced by other people or current trends - you go against the grain, but only a little bit, not completely. To think that you are a free spirit, unattached or influenced by any convention or trend, is either incredibly naive or inconceivably arrogant.

One friend even labelled my sense of style as “the Urban Gypsy” .. and indeed, labels is what it comes down to.

Being the intellectual beings we are, there is discontentment in too obviously following trends, being one of many thousand sheep in the world. As long as it’s not obvious, if we’re all sheep saying “moo”, rather than “baa”, our conformity hidden behind layers of distortion, then we’re comfortable. The distinction is in our perception. Balancing the sense of self perceived as individual or, contrarily, as a collective, is to realise that we can in fact be both simultaneously. A rather obvious paradox? On the face of it, yes. But its the underlying contradictions that the OxygenChameleon’s here to sell ya…

More on the confirmation of conform-ation, - lists, labels and fastracking friendships - in Part 3. x

On forgetting

Someone once told me (people are forever telling you things) that I’m always saying “that reminds me of..”, that I’m good at connecting stimuli to one another. I didn’t think much of this, surely everyone does it. I made some joke about psychoanalysis and how it meant i was living in the past.

I do, however, have a fascination with the way in which memory functions. The fragmentary, hazy nature of memory. The inability to clearly remember. We pick out particular things, recollect instances, smells, colours, the sensory. The texture and burning on your tongue of an extra-strong Polo mint.

Salvador Dali - Persistence of Memory

Salvador Dali’s ‘Persistence of Memory’

Do you see yourself in your memories?

I remember being asked to recall my first memory and I was at a loss. I feel unable to distinguish those memories constructed from the stories my parents tell me, I imagine them to the extent that I think I remember.

Years ago, we went to the seaside - Cambersands I think it was - took my cousin, he was a toddler, the exact age I fail to recall. We had a fabulous time, built sandcastles with moats and bridges and ran upto the surf as the tide came in. He fell asleep in the car on the way home. When he woke up he’d already forgotten the entire experience.

It was something of an Epiphany, to see so starkly the affect of time and consciousness.

Fitting Out -> Fitting In (pt. 1)

I was drinking coffee with Lucifer, as we often do, and talking idly on the topic of Rebellion. Fitting? I thought so… but it lead me to thinking, and sortof picking up somewhat on Joe’s debate here. We all want to be individual, special, unique somehow, and yet we all want to fit in. Do you agree, or am I assuming too much?

In the interest of intellectualising the trivial, I shall begin by telling you a short anecdote. The humour of which is derived at my expense. As always.

The summer before university started we [myself and 9friends] visited Carmarthenshire, Wales, for a week in order to celebrate the ‘End of an Era’. We vacationed in a cottage which was more of a mansion. It even boasted a chesstable; the centrepiece of the turret room. House insignia was displayed in tapestry form, crossed with real swords; it was all mightily impressive. The impressiveness of the mansion is irrelevant to my point, I just wanted to make you jealous. We arrived on Saturday morning and, always prone to curiousity, decided exploring our surroundings would be a worthwhile pursuit. We ambled past bushes laden with blackberries, saw green fields stretching all the way to the horizon, laughed at the scarecrow with a sandbag head. We then chanced upon some sheep. In my utter excitement, not because of my sheltered SE London upbringing, proclaimed “Haz look! Its a sheep! Moo.” The moment it registered, it was too late to recover.

Moosheep

Artwork my own

“Look its a sheep. Moo” I have never been able to live this off. Ever. Rosie gave me miniature wooden clothes pegs with sheep on them for xmas last yr. Min gifted me with a sheep notebook. Becca quotes it at me every chance she gets. Piesecki smiles whilst WhattheBananas cackles in the corner. As I say, I have never been able to live this off. Possibly because I keep retelling the tale, much in the manner of Conrad’s Marlow, such as now.

Which brings me, a little late, to the central image of this discussion, the concept of a sheep saying moo… All to be explored in Part2… Aren’t you excited? [HellYes! would be the preferred response here] :) x

Stale Cocktails

wedges of lime twisting words,
tasting of seasalt.
the dregs. unspoken carbon,
multifaceted
years, yarns and coffee coloured

photographs you kept
the arc - sketched by a compass
was the horizon
we went by. our plans as yet
undisintegrated but

getting there, maybe, perhaps
unbottled seascrolls
dredged between existences
if freshwater fishing
held as much charm as this now.

x

Love Ketchup

Disclaimer: An awful lot of superlatives are in use in the following blogpost. If you have a known aversion to excessive superlative use, please avert your gaze…. now. If you experience any unwanted effects, please consult a literaryphysician.

A friend [Q], who will remain anonymous, got a text from her BF [K] this evening. These are not Hollowegians btw so attempts at deducing identity are, most probably, futile:

K: “I’m in ‘Spoons’. Gareth stole candles to be romantic with Amanda.
I stole some ketchup if you want some.”

I found this hilarious. Not only because Q is an awesome person and this totally exemplifies the kind of relationship K+Q have - it couldn’t be any other way with Q-, but also because it is technically fabulous.

Break it down now…

“I’m in ‘Spoons’”: Simplicity. Oddness. Genius. What an awesome name for a restaurant. The pluralisation makes it all the more interesting as a clause. Taking the Matrix-popularised philosophy of “be the spoon” to a whole new level - be inside the spoon. Or Spoons, for there are many. That’s what I’m talkin’ bout

The oracle [not at Delphi, sorry] is wise in many ways.

“Gareth stole candles to be romantic with Amanda”: The framing of the phrase between the proper nouns makes it somewhat beautiful. Yet, contrasted with the very functional, logical, almost sequential nature of ‘did this in order to this‘, it establishes the perfect foundation for the next sentence…

“I stole some ketchup if you want some.”: The repetition of “stole”, coupled with the brilliant juxtaposition of the romantic of the previous sentence and the somewhat banal mention of ketchup in this one, is awesomeness in gooey tomato format. What a bizarre condiment to steal, and as proof of what? Affection? How utterly charming. I love the lack of questionmark at the end. The sentence doesn’t conclude so much as trail off… it’s not “I stole some ketchup for you”, thereby mirroring the framing effect of the “Gareth… Amanda”, it’s more offhand, a little more casual, a little more real.

I apologise, Q, to dissect your relationship and analyse it thus in literary terms.

Q, along with my brother, J, unabashedly appreciates the evilfusion of ketchup and rice.

I shall leave you to place judgement!
Please do, it’ll fortify my anti-tomatoeyrice argument.

x

Unresolved

why not in waking, then?
but if you reprimanded me
in sleep

finding it equational to -
equalify the tweed
sounds of pretention

inhalers. For when your breath gets
slower, shorter, take deep
calming ones. breath gets, breathe
not slower, but

fastidious, now, don’t let her get away
in thinking she’s indifferent
assuming and making hypocrisy
art form by which to measure
defiance.

to unfinish and leave open
to not balance the equation

not yet not the top coat of varnish

Time and Space Died Yesterday

I welcomed in 2008 leaning across the balcony railing of a Penthouse apartment in North London. - “Don’t do it!”

with an entourage of fabulous friends. Sparklers and Sparkly [beverages] in hand, we counted down, obnoxiously, from 10; watched as the London sky exploded along the length of the embankment.

Impressive it was.

I was not so well informed as to expect Ballroom dancing, but having been moreexcitedthanwords about the Strictly final, was majorly up for the challenge. First we learnt how to cha-cha-cha, jive and waltz. Omgz the fun. As the dancefloor filled up, we resorted to spazzing out to a variety of MASSIVE TUNES. This could otherwise be described as the manic-rave dancing practices of youth in modern discotheques, more commonly known as clubs. One of us even brought back the breakdancing worm. That was immense.

To an AWESOME 2008! May it bring you happiness and prosperity and peace. And pies. Or π, if you are mathematically inclined.

x

The title of this blogpost is from point 8. of Marinetti’s ‘Manifesto of Futurism’
- Out of context it appears a morbid statement. The manifesto itself is call-to-arms for speed, action, fervour, movement, revolt. A little lacking in subtlety, despite moments of beautiful phrasing. But then, that was the point.

“Gutsy and Thought Provoking”

My Creative Writing Industries class organised a Reading/Question&Answer session with novelist, Benjamin Markovits. Thanks to Friel, it is now available as a Podcast.

Ben did a reading from widely acclaimed novel, Imposture, the first of the Byron trilogy. The next, A Quiet Adjustment, is available from January.

x

Benazir

Yesterday, 27th of December 2007, Benazir Bhutto, former PrimeMinister and leader of Pakistan Peoples Party, was assassinated. She was 54.

Predictably, we’ve been watching the News. On various channels. BBC One, Channel4, BBCNews24, SkyNews24, CNN, and the lesser known Pakistani television channels, PrimeTV and Geo -

I’ve been learning more about the country’s political past whilst concurrently debating upon the future of Pakistan. My mother was born and raised in Karachi. My grandma, aunt and many many greataunts, greatuncles and first/ second/third cousins once/ twice/ thrice? removeds reside there.

Before Midnight: Daddy was curled up in the armchair with the patchwork quilt, looking delightfully incongruous as he dispensed his wisdom in measured mellowness. Mon frere lay on the leather, reclining so far as would be comfortable for sleeping, his glasses propped jauntily on the bridge of his nose as he peered at the screen. My mother and I had taken the three-seater; I’d embedded myself into her side. Daddy had once said to us, though in a different, somewhat funny-argumentative context to amuse my aunt, “Your mother is a woman of fire”. I took his statement literally, I am a cold person. It has been said this is common knowledge. One name I go by is Ice Queen.
Counting down to Midnight: We awaited the Headlines once more. Mother was getting firey over the various pros and cons of the oscillation which seems to be happening between Military and Democratically elected Presidents of Pakistan. I was mid-sentence with a retort to some point when -
Midnight: My brother interrupted with something. I didn’t quite register it. Neither did Mum, it seemed. I continued. Mum replied. He said something to Daddy, then turned on us again.
“Happy Anniversary!”

Today’s the 28th of December 2007. Happy Birthday to Daddy. Happy Wedding Anniversary to him, and Mummy also. Is there a Happy Anniversary song I can sing them? Apparently there’s this and also this. Shame they never matched the popularity of the Happy Birthday song - Warner Chappell supposedly demand royalties of between $5,000/$10,000 when allowing a substantial part of the song to be used in movies etc. In America at the very least. So says Wikipedia here. “Sucks to be them,” says the Ninja, the one to inform me of these Copyright laws.

Apparently Pakistani people are very happy with Marshall law, when it first happens. A sweeping generalisation perhaps. Nevertheless, often welcome reprieve from the previous mess of leadership. It does the country good. Indeed, Pres. [former General] Pervez Musharraf initially had a great amount of support from the people. I personally reckon he’s driven the country towards progress and brought about a lot of good in Pakistan. That’s not to say he’s without fault.

The problem that persists is this: Military folk don’t quite know when to leave. Musharraf’s outstayed his welcome. No-one’s there to kick him out, and so once more the people get restless and call for some Democracy. We likes Democracy, precious. But the democratically elected are no better, they’re just as, if not more, corrupt. Money-laundering, embezzlement etc etc. It seems, unfortunate as it is, that Pakistan is plagued by Corruption. Everyone wants, as mother put it, to EAT MONEY. Sounds better in Urdu, so much is lost in translation it’s depressing. When an elected leader is in power he/she is EATING the MONEY, but then the army are like, “WOAH now!” we wants to EAT too. They’re all feeding off the country, poor as it is. Yumyumyum. Poor gaunt little thing.

Back to Benazir, She was intelligent - having studied at both Harvard and Oxford - undoubtedly courageous - imprisoned, politically exiled, issued death-threats - and sadly ‘allegedly’ deeply corrupt. Though Mum says this was all her husband’s fault and she shoulda got rid ‘o him and she’d have been sorted. Politics took her family. Her father was hanged, one brother shot, another poisoned. She survived an assassination attempt scarcely two and a half months ago - Oct 18th. My brother questioned her return to Pakistan after self-imposed exile, her continued pursuit of power, as a Deathwish. Mum said, whenever you’re doing something you must have that conviction that what you’re doing is good, is right, without that passionate belief in yourself, why would you bother? I countered with, Megalomania is a disease.

As a child, the occassions when I heard of Benazir I’d simply insult her fashion sense. To this day I stand by that continued mocking. Primary Keywords I associated her with were, “pakistan” “primeminister” “bad clothes” and “corrupt”. She had no sense of style. But what does that matter if she’s a charming public speaker, something Benazir was for sure. But corruption, that’s a word I’d heard often. And even then I knew it to be Bad.
Yet standing, as she did, for Moderate Pakistan, I celebrate her efforts to promote tolerance and Democracy in Pakistan, unforgetting as I am of her prediliction for political corruptness. Ultimately, she was a person, of only 54. I’m sad she died, and at such a young age. No-one deserves to go like that, it’s horrific. I’m really sorry for her children.

Honestly, I’m not really sure how I feel, and that’s not a cop-out. It’s odd, being removed from a situation in some ways, and yet being attached to it in others. I guess it hinges on my relationship to Pakistan itself, something I see as not quite settled. The country that is mine in heritage and yet not my own. To say I am concerned would be something of an understatement, and yet a stronger word rings false. I can’t expect to feel as my mother does.

Still, one does not stop hoping for stability even in the places they’ve never yet seen anything but sustained turbulence. Perhaps if we look in the pockets of domesticity, look deeper than the national, at the local scale, perhaps it is there that we must derive strength from stability, that which we seek to spread across to the furthermost frontiers. Communities and families supporting one another, holding together and striving to live by Pakistan’s founding ideals of “Unity, Discipline and Faith”. A microcosm of what one wishes to see reflected in the country as a whole. A nation which, against the odds, survives all its ups and downs, constantly striving to progress and hold its own in a modern world.

Benazir Bhutto 1953-2007